Grief is a deeply personal and complex journey, but the act of offering support doesn’t have to be a terrifying ordeal.
Tuesday the 24th of July would have been my mother’s 70th birthday. I spent the afternoon sat at her favourite spot on the beach at Eyemouth. Crying my wee heart out, whilst talking to her. And it got me thinking – Grief is often overwhelming and isolating. I know there has been plenty of times I have been lost for words.
I thought I would put together a wee guide to help us navigate the complexity of grief.
Honesty is far more comforting than forced platitudes. There’s a relief in hearing someone simply admit, “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to say, I wish I had the right words”. This directness normalizes the discomfort felt by both, effectively removing the immense pressure.
When a supporter is transparent about their struggle to find the right words but remains present, it validates the griever’s own overwhelming experience. It subtly communicates, “I see your pain, and I’m here, even though I don’t have all the answers.” It shifts the focus from an expectation that the supporter must “fix” the grief to simply “witnessing” it, allowing the griever to feel truly seen and understood without the added burden of comforting the comforter.
They acknowledge the pain without attempting to minimize or solve it.
Phrases such as “However you’re feeling is okay” or “I’m here for you with this pain, however bad it gets” create a safe space for them to express their true feelings. When individuals feel their unique experience is accepted, they are more likely to share openly, reducing feelings of isolation. Effective grief support, therefore, is less about providing solutions and more about offering a compassionate, accepting framework for the griever’s emotional journey. It is about being a mirror for their pain, rather than attempting to wipe it away.
Sharing a Memory
If there was a personal connection to the person who passed, sharing a specific, positive memory can be incredibly comforting. This act helps demonstrates that their life had an impact on others as well. A simple “I remember your mum’s brilliant speech at your wedding” or “I’ll miss your grandad’s wonderful sense of humour” can evoke warmth and shared connection amidst the sorrow. This personal touch shows that the loved one is not forgotten and that their legacy continues to resonate.
What NOT to Say
The “I Know How You Feel” Trap
This is perhaps one of the most frequently cited unhelpful phrases. When someone says, “I know how you feel,” a griever often thinks, “No, you don’t”. While the speaker might have experienced a similar loss, no two people grieve identically, and no two losses are truly the same. This statement attempts to forge a connection but frequently alienates by dismissing the unique, personal nature of the griever’s pain. It’s like a well-meaning but utterly off-key choir trying to sing along; their tune just doesn’t match the griever’s unique symphony of sorrow.
The “Silver Lining” Fallacy and the “At Least…”
The urge to find a positive spin on a tragic situation is a natural human response, but it often backfires spectacularly in grief. Phrases like “He/she is in a better place now,” “It was God’s will,” or “Everything happens for a reason” attempt to minimize the pain or impose a spiritual narrative that may not resonate with the griever. For someone in deep distress, these can feel dismissive and invalidating. A griever might think, “Who cares? I want them here!”.
Similarly, any statement that begins with “At least…” is almost guaranteed to miss the mark. Examples like “At least you have other children” or “At least she/he lived a long life” attempt to soften the blow but instead imply that the griever shouldn’t feel as bad as they do. Imagine trying to cheer someone up after they’ve lost their favorite gourmet dessert by saying, “At least you still have broccoli!” It’s technically food, but it’s certainly not what they’re missing. These comments, though well-intentioned, can make the griever feel guilty or angry for their authentic emotions. Society’s discomfort with raw pain often leads to attempts to “fast-forward” grief or impose a positive narrative. However, true support necessitates sitting with discomfort and acknowledging the full spectrum of emotions, even the most painful ones, without trying to reframe them.
The “Get Over It” & “Be Strong” Brigade
Statements such as “It will get easier,” “Time heals all wounds,” “Get over it,” or “Move on” are problematic because they impose an artificial timeline on grief that simply does not exist. Grief is not a linear process with a clear finish line; it is described as “forever,” “not a straight line,” and characterized by “ups and downs”. It’s about learning to “carry it with us in meaningful and healthy ways”. Telling someone to “Be strong” or “You’re so strong!” can also be counterproductive, as it often pressures the griever to suppress their very real vulnerability and pain.
This societal impatience with prolonged sadness can make grievers feel “stuck” or “wrong” for their ongoing pain. It’s like telling a marathon runner, “You’re so strong! Just sprint the rest of the way!” when they’re only halfway through. This misunderstanding of grief’s true nature leads to unhelpful pressure. Effective support requires educating ourselves and others that grief is a lifelong process of adaptation, not a temporary illness to be cured. This shift in perspective is crucial for providing sustained, non-judgmental support.
The “Don’t Say That!” List: Common Phrases to Avoid
| Phrase to avoid – “I know how you feel.” -No two grief experiences are the same; it dismisses their unique pain.
“They’re in a better place.” / “Everything happens for a reason.” / “It was God’s will.” -Can be dismissive, invalidating, and may conflict with their beliefs.
“At least you have…” – Minimizes their current loss by pointing out other positives.
“Time heals all wounds.” / “You’ll get over it.” / “Move on.”- Implies a timeline for grief that doesn’t exist and pressures them to suppress emotions.
“You’re so strong!” / “Be strong.” – Can make them feel they shouldn’t show vulnerability or pain.
“You can always remarry/have more children/get another pet.” – Insensitive to the specific, irreplaceable loss they are experiencing.
“Don’t feel bad.” / “Keep busy.” – Unrealistic and unhelpful; pain needs to be acknowledged, not avoided.
“How are you?” -Often leads to a forced “fine” or an overwhelming need to explain.
“People have been through worse.” / “Buck up!” – Deeply dismissive and minimises their suffering.
Beyond Words: Protocols for Showing Up (and Actually Helping!)
Sometimes, the most profound comfort comes not from what is said, but from what is done, and simply from being present.
The Art of Listening and Holding Space
The most important help one can offer is a willing ear and a compassionate presence. It is crucial to allow the bereaved person to talk and express their grief in whatever way they need, without judgment or interruption. If they prefer not to talk, that is also perfectly acceptable; simply being there, sitting in silence, can provide immense comfort. The greatest gift one can give is to be with them in the midst of their pain.
Grief is an internal, often chaotic, process. Grieving individuals do not need their pain to be fixed or solved; they need a “safe space” or “container” to experience and express their emotions without judgment or pressure. When a supporter simply is there, without an agenda or the urge to fill every silence, they provide that essential container. This reduces the griever’s sense of isolation and validates their experience, allowing for the natural, unforced processing of emotions. It is about being a stable anchor in their storm.
Offering Specific, Practical Help (No, Really!)
The common refrain, “Call me if you need anything,” while well-intentioned, often falls flat. Grieving individuals frequently lack the energy or mental clarity to identify their needs, let alone articulate them and then make a phone call. It’s the grief equivalent of “I’ll call you!” after a first date – it sounds nice, but rarely leads to action.
Instead, concrete, specific offers are far more impactful. Suggesting specific tasks, such as “Can I bring you dinner on Tuesday?” or “Would it help if I took your recycling to the curb on Thursday?” removes the burden from the griever. Practical help can include cooking meals, doing laundry, cleaning, childcare, pet care, or running errands. These small, tangible acts of service provide immense relief and demonstrate genuine care.
Consistency is Key: The Long Haul of Support
Initial support often floods in immediately after a loss, but it tends to wane quickly, leaving grievers feeling abandoned months down the line. This is particularly challenging because grief is a marathon, not a sprint; it can last “much longer than we sometimes think”. Lonng-term check-ins are vital. Continuing to reach out over time, even with a simple “I’ve been thinking of you” , shows sustained care. Remembering special dates like anniversaries, birthdays of the deceased, and holidays can also provide immense comfort, acknowledging that these days are particularly difficult. Effective support requires sustained effort and a recognition that the griever’s needs evolve over time. Supporters must be prepared for a marathon, not a sprint, offering consistent, gentle check-ins long after the funeral.
Respecting Their Unique Grief Journey and Boundaries
There is no “right” way to grieve. Every individual’s experience of grief is unique, and it is crucial to allow them to grieve in their own way, without judgment or dispute of their responses. The supporter should let the griever set the pace and the tone of their interactions, respecting their boundaries without pulling away. The fundamental principle here is that “Grief belongs to the griever”. Their emotional capacity is often severely diminished, and their responses are a reflection of their pain, not a personal slight.
Cultural Sensitivity: Acknowledging Diverse
The understanding of grief as a multifaceted human experience.
While grief is a universal human experience, its expression and the associated support rituals are profoundly shaped by cultural norms, religious beliefs, and personal relationships. A lack of awareness regarding diverse cultural practices can lead to unintentional misinterpretations of grief, inappropriate timing of condolences, or even offensive remarks. For instance, some Asian cultures may involve wearing specific colors as a public display of grief , while British Caribbean communities might observe a week-long “Nine Nights” wake with a more celebratory aspect. In contrast, Muslim and Jewish traditions often involve immediate burial within 24-48 hours.
Humor as a Coping Mechanism
Humor is not about denying pain; it’s about finding moments of respite and connection. It plays a significant role in the healing process, offering a much-needed break from overwhelming emotions. Laughter has therapeutic benefits, reducing stress and tension by triggering the release of endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals. It’s like the nervous system’s emergency brake. Laughter can help reframe the loss in a more positive light, enabling individuals to remember their loved ones joyfully.
Sharing Funny, Authentic Memories of the Deceased
One of the most effective ways to incorporate humor is by sharing funny, authentic stories and memories about the person who has passed away. Humorous anecdotes, jokes, or stories that capture the deceased’s unique personality can bring them to life, allowing mourners to remember them in a positive and uplifting way. Recalling a loved one’s “brilliant speech at your wedding” or “Grandad’s wonderful sense of humour” can elicit genuine smiles and shared warmth, honoring their spirit amidst the sorrow. This approach celebrates the life lived, rather than solely focusing on the loss.
It is essential to be respectful of others’ feelings and never force humor in situations where it might not be appropriate. Authenticity is key; humor should stem from genuine empathy and be appropriate for the individual and the specific context. It’s most beneficial when it comes from a place of compassion and genuineness. Humor that is forced, sarcastic, or ill-timed can break trust and cause further pain. If the griever initiates humor, it’s a strong signal of readiness.
It’s Okay to Laugh Through Tears: Grief and Joy Can Coexist
Perhaps the most liberating aspect of humor in grief is the understanding that laughter and tears are not mutually exclusive. Both laughter and tears are valid responses in the grieving process. It is entirely possible for joy and grief to coexist. Many bereaved individuals, despite their anguish, find themselves capable of laughter, often struck by the unexpected moments of levity that punctuate their sorrow.
Empathy, Authenticity, and a Hug
Navigating the delicate landscape of grief support can feel daunting, but the core principles are refreshingly simple: lead with empathy, be authentic, offer specific and practical help, maintain consistent presence, respect the griever’s unique journey, and wield humor thoughtfully and with care.
The most profound gift one can offer is not a perfectly articulated speech or a magical solution, but simply one’s presence and willingness to connect. It is about being a steady, compassionate anchor in a turbulent time, understanding that the goal is to be a source of comfort, not a perfect problem-solver. By embracing these approaches, individuals can transform awkward uncertainty into meaningful, heartfelt support, fostering connection when it is needed most.